Chapter 5: James (Jim) McAvoy

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Subject: Knowing is half the battle

I’m an honest, real, single guy in search of a LTR, and not just a hook-up. I’m 49 years old and I’ve been single for way too long. I’ve worked for the same company (window sales and installation) for 20+ years and I’m extremely reliable and steady. I have not only an income but a healthy 401k, my own place, car, etc. I work hard but I keep my hours to 40 per week so I will have time to devote to a special someone.

For many years I lived in the moment and never wanted to settle down. Now I know it’s too late to have my own family but maybe I can still find some happyness with one special woman.  I feel like I have a lot to offer but it is so hard to meet people. Craigslist is almost all filled with fakers and bots, and I was so pleasantly surprised to see your post. You feel real, and maybe a little bit vulnerable, and I think that made me willing to take a chance, willing to be a little vulnerable too.

I really wish to find someone to share life’s up’s and down’s. A partner.

I’m 5’5”, 135#, 49 years old. I really prefer to talk vs. text or email. Pic for pic?

If you’re still reading I hope you respond. Life’s too short.

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Hi, Jim,

You said that you used to live in the moment and not want to settle down. How do you feel that changed? Have you discovered a purpose in life? I have all these questions.

I can see that you’re really looking for a relationship, so I feel like I should mention right off the bat that I have two kids, and they have some special needs. A relationship with me is a package deal. At some point my kids would have to be involved, and you should know that from the start.

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle
[8 days later]

Hi ????,

I should apologize. I know it’s been awhile since I responded to you. I will be honest, your kids gave me pause. Back during the time I should have been thinking about kids, I was selfish and only thinking about myself. Now that I’m older and ready for a commitment, I feel like I may be past the point of having children. But I’ve thought about it and I do think it’s worth pursuing even though you have kids.

I don’t know if I’d make a very good father figure though. My own father was never around, my step-father was a drunk, and I avoided him as much as possible. I don’t think fatherhood would come easily to me, and I’m not sure what to make of your kids with special needs. Can someone just become a father type after 49 years and with no experience? I don’t even really know what a good father is like. Is your kid’s dad around and involved?

I’m going to try to answer your question about what changed and how I went from living in the moment to wanting to settle down. I’m not sure how well I can explain it. I had a very good friend--a girl--and I found out that she was in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend. He didn’t treat her well, and he hit her and hurt her, and she stayed with him anyway. I really liked this girl, and at some point I just freaked out on her and begged her to leave him, told her she could do so much better and I would take care of her. She screamed right back at me and told me that I was a loser and all I wanted to do was party anyway so how could I take care of her.

This kind of shocked me. I had no idea she saw me that way, but hearing it from her mouth started to make me rethink my whole life. I was a partier and a loser. I spent all my extra income on alcohol and pot, and in my mid-40s I was acting like a 20 year old. There just never seemed to be any reason to change until that time.

So I was never able to convince her that I would be better for her and I lost her. But that was the start of my journey to clean up my life and start thinking about what my next phase was. I began to ache for a best friend and a life partner, in a way that I’d never cared before.

So here I am. Finally ready to settle down but finding it really really hard to meet women.

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Hi, Jim,

Thank you for sharing your journey with me. That woman must have meant a lot to you, and I’m sorry that you lost her. Life IS a journey though, and although you had the pain of losing her, the experience has led you to be a better, more fulfilled person. I’m not a person who believes that everything happens for a reason. But I do believe that we can often find meaning in unexpected places.

I don’t blame you for thinking twice about getting involved with a women with kids, especially kids like mine. I’ve only dated a handful of people since my divorce and it often ends with them not wanting to take on my kids and breaking it off. Getting involved with someone like me means taking an easy single life and trading it in for a difficult life for kids that aren’t even yours--I don’t blame people for not wanting to do that.

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Dear ????,

I can only imagine how hard it is to start a relationship with someone when you have kids. I know it’s complicated. I’ve started this message half a dozen times and I keep deleting it because it never comes out right. I somehow want to convey to you how great I think you are and how I’ve really thought about it and I want to get to know you better, and your kids too if things work out between us. Don’t take my earlier hesitation to mean that I’m not a good fit.

I have prayed about this and I think that God has brought us together for a reason, and that He sees great things for us together.

Know that I am a real guy and I’m not a player or looking for just sex. I’m not a perfect sole but let us put our Trust in God and at the very least meet!

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Hi, Jim,

You mentioned God and trusting in Him, so I want to tell you that I’m pretty much agnostic. I have no interest in converting. That being said, I’m not opposed to dating a religious person. I think it can get complicated depending on each person’s belief system though. Just wondering what you think about all that.

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Dear ????,

All the people I’ve ever dated or been friends with have believed in some sort of God at least. What does being agnostic mean to you? Have you always been an agnostic?  I’m not a church every week kind of a Catholic but I do know God and I lean on Him when I need to. If more people embraced the teachings of Jesus the world would be a better place.

What’s your name? What do you look like?

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Hi, Jim,

I’m short, long blonde hair, brown eyes, nothing much to look at.

I think I always have been agnostic, even though it took me awhile to understand that. I was raised Jewish, but when I was a kid I didn’t understand that some people actually believe religious stories. I thought they were just a series of stories made up to help you understand how to live a moral life. I don’t really believe in any sort of higher power, except the good within each person that we can choose to access, and hopefully do more often than not.

I’ve been interested in maybe joining the Unitarian Universalist church. The Unitarians do not require you to believe in any particular doctrine. Instead they have seven principles, which include things like “The Inherent worth and dignity of every person” and “Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.”  I think to me it’s more a philosophy of life. If I were to join any organized religion, it would be the Unitarian church.

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Dear ????,

Do you think it’s time for us to meet? Let me take you to dinner? Finally tell me your name?

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

How about breakfast Saturday morning? 10 AM at the Blue Hill Diner.

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Dear ????,

Sounds fantastic. Can I get a pic of you so that I’ll recognize you? And a name maybe.

Sincerely,
James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Hi, Jim,

- Jill

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle
Afew hours after the breakfast date

Jill,

I am truly grateful to have met you. There are not many quality people on CL and I can’t believe I was lucky enough to have met you. I hope that we can continue down this path together.

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Hi Jim,

It was very nice meeting you and I thank you for breakfast. I don’t think that it would really work out between us but I enjoyed our lively conversation and I wish you the best.

- Jill

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle

Ok, I understand. Well actually I don’t. Could you please tell me what was so off-putting about me? I’m not trying to be argumentative but I just want to know how to improve myself. I greatly respect your opinion.

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

From: Jill_Harris To: James McAvoy
Re: Knowing is half the battle

There was nothing off putting about you in particular.

I know this may sound petty to you, but I can't deal with getting involved with someone who supports Trump. It's not about politics. I’ve voted for Republicans and I would have been fine with dating someone who supported any other Republican president. I wouldn’t love it but I’d respect that choice.

But being ok with a Trump presidency means supporting someone who is horrifically and openly racist, sexist, anti-Muslim, and xenophobic. If someone wants to be racist, sexist, anti-Muslim, and xenophobic as a private citizen, that is their right in this country. But it shouldn't be institutionalized and it sure as hell shouldn't be the primary representative of this country, the leader of the free world, the most powerful person on earth.

As a woman, I've been dealing with sexist bullies like him my entire life. As a mother I want my kids growing up in a world where equality is for all, not a world where there are white men and everyone else is a second class citizen. As a friend, I don't want to hear my friend’s son asking her why people hate them just because they’re Muslim. As the granddaughter of proud immigrants (refugees, really), I wonder why so many people in the US, who almost all have immigrant ancestors, hate immigration so much.

And that's not even mentioning the conflicts of interest and corruption in this administration. 

I just don't want to date someone who supports Trump. I can’t.

From: James McAvoy To: Jill_Harris
Re: Knowing is half the battle

I am sorry to hear it’s all about politics. I’m glad it wasn’t *ME* but I’m sorry that politics has to ruin a potentially good thing.

I know that I’m ignorant, but with today’s media it’s impossible to believe anything about any politician. Or anything you hear in the media really. I like Trump because he understands the common citizen. I’m done with career politicians. I’m glad we have someone who puts our needs first. We need more nation forming at home and less abroad.

You seem like a really good person. I haven’t met many lately so I want you to know that I’m glad to have met you. I can’t see why you would have any trouble finding a partner. I wish you good things.

Sincerely,

James (Jim)

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