Chapter 10: MashUp

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Subject: I can help you find your purpose

I can help you find your purpose.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

You can? How?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I’m studying to be a therapist. Let me consider you my spring project.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Are you going to write your thesis on me?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Maybe. Depends how successful I am. Or how successful you are.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Ok, should we meet somewhere?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Well, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Why not?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Well, what if I find you attractive and then I have a hard time being objective.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Well, don’t worry about that. I’m short and plain and I’m nothing special to look at. Besides, as a therapist, you’re going to have to learn to deal with that.

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I just think it’s better that way. Maybe eventually we can meet.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Fair enough. How do we get started?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Hmm… My confidence may have outstripped my actual ability. I have no idea how therapy over email starts.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Well, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself.

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Sure. My name is Andy. I am 28, engaged to a really nice woman, and I’m finishing up my masters in social work, aiming to be a therapist.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Nice!  How did you get involved in that field? What made you want to be a therapist?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

To be honest, I had a lot of issues growing up. My mom was always around but at the same time never around. My dad left when I was little. I always wanted to help people--either help adults become better, more fulfilled people, or help kids learn to handle life better when the people around fail them. Because there’s a lot of kids in that situation, and they deserve better.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

A noble cause no doubt. I’m sorry your dad wasn’t around. What was your mom like?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

My mom. God. I have no idea how to even explain. It’s not that she was mean to me (most of the time). Or even that she ignored me. She was, like, vacant. Like she didn’t really exist as her own independent person. She only exists in relation to other people.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

That sounds like it would be really hard on a kid. Did she try to live vicariously through you?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Maybe sometimes. When she wasn’t dating anybody she was intensely focused on me. We’d go through these periods where she would make me feel like the most important person in the world, like I *was* her whole world. Like it was her and me against the world. But she had no personality of her own. She would borrow the personality of those around her.

Whoever she was dating, she would end up mimicking his personality. Sometimes the guys were actually nice, and they thought my mom was too because she would act like them. She dated a teacher one time when I was in middle school, and that was awesome. He was great, knew how to talk to kids, and he’d help me with my homework.

But most of the time she’d date losers who were awful to me, and my mom would take their lead. It was like she’d be mean to me to impress them or something, and she trusted them when it came to “discipline.” Physical discipline if you get my meaning.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I’m so sorry you had to live through that. It makes me want to give you a hug and tell you it’s going to be ok.

You seem like a decent guy. Managed to make something of yourself and your life. How do you think your survived it?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I know exactly how. The teacher I told you about? I’m pretty sure he only stayed with my mom as long as he did because of me. He is the kindest person I ever met. He tried so hard to make it work with my mom. One night, after my mom fell asleep, he came into my bedroom to talk to me. He told me that he loved me and to always remember that I was a good person.

He asked me if I wanted to come live with him, and I said I did, but my mom would never let me. I’ll never forget the look on his face. All at once skeptical, conflicted, and resigned. I didn’t realize until later on what that look meant. It meant that I was wrong. My mom would have let me leave. But he didn’t tell me that at the time. He just said “yeah you’re right” or something like that, trying to spare me.

A few weeks later, I came home early from football practice to hear him scream at my mom, “You’re not there, it’s like you don’t even exist.” And then I heard my mom scream at him to get out. I heard the side door slam and I never saw him again.

But that’s when I started to think about what he said--that my mom just isn’t there. That’s when I started to realize that there was something seriously wrong with HER and that it wasn’t ME. It was her. And that made all the difference.

I started to look at her from the outside look in. Instead of looking at her in relation to me (“why doesn’t my mom love me?”) I looked at her as an individual who didn’t know any better, couldn’t do any better.

In truth, she could have done better. But that outsider’s perspective is what helped me survive.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

What happened to the teacher? Where is he now?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I don’t know. I know that sounds crazy. I could probably find him on Facebook in a few minutes. I’ve never looked him up and I’m not sure I want to.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Why not?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

What if he doesn’t remember me? What if I remembered what happened all wrong? I have this picture in my head that helped me survive, and I don’t want to risk it.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Is your outcome that fragile?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

That’s a loaded question.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

So tell me about your fiance.

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Libby. She’s 26, she works at a bank. She’s just so incredibly nice to me. She’s been with me through thick and thin. She really cares about people.

Because of how my mother was, I was always convinced that I shouldn’t have kids. That I wouldn’t know how to be a good dad, and I would never want to risk my kids growing up with a mom like mine. Libby has shown me that it doesn’t have to be that way. Someday when we have kids, she’s going to be the most amazing mom ever.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Do you love her?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Of course!

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

So what are you doing trolling craigslist personals?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I don’t know how to answer that. But I didn’t email you for sex.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Fair enough. Did you answer any other CL ads?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

A few, but I haven’t met anyone.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Why not?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Because women on CL are all fakers and bots.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Tell me again about your wonderful fiance.

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

What do you want from me? Fine, I guess I’m an asshole. Is that what you want to hear?

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I don’t “want” to hear anything. What I want is to understand. What the hell are you doing? What is *your* purpose here? You have this great fiance, but the best thing you can say about her is that she’s really nice. Where’s the passion? Where’s the love? Through your few words I could feel the love you had for the teacher. I could feel the anguish your mother put you through. When you talk about wanting to help kids as a therapist, I can feel that commitment in your words. 

When you talk about Libby, there’s no feelings coming through. I get nothing. And now you’re trolling CL and you’re not even married yet. What gives?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I guess… it’s that… Libby is the exact opposite of my mother.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

How so? What was your mother like and what is Libby like?

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

My mother was vacant. Libby exists.

My mother had no control over her emotions. Libby is steady.

My mother’s personality changed all the time. Libby is knows who she is.

My mother either loved me too much or not at all. With Libby, it may not be the romance of the century but it’s there, through thick and thin. She cares about me. I never have to question that.

I guess I see what you mean about the passion. Ugh. Don’t make me doubt this relationship.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

That’s not what I meant to do.

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Shit. I AM an asshole. What am I doing trolling craigslist ads… is a very good question. So what, you think Libby’s all wrong for me?  It doesn’t take a genius therapist to see that the reason I’m with her is to be as far away from my mother as possible.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Whoh, I never said she was all wrong for you. You’ve told me about a kind woman who is emotionally steady, loves you, helps you when you need it, and would make a wonderful mother. That sounds pretty awesome to me. So no, my first instinct is not that she’s all wrong for you.

My instinct is to wonder how well you actually know her though. I mean, I’m sure you know her, you know all about her history, things she’s done, hobbies, likes and dislikes. But in finding someone who is the opposite of your mother, I wonder if you’ve forgotten to look past that and find out what’s deep in the soul of Libby, what makes her tick, what makes Libby Libby.

Being the opposite of your mother is a good start, but it’s not enough to make a strong marriage.

And.. get the hell off Craigslist. Be a better partner.

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

I need to think about this.

From: Jill_Harris To: MashUp
Re: I can help you find your purpose

And I really, really need to sleep. You’ve got me up way past my bedtime.

From: MashUp to Jill_Harris
Re: I can help you find your purpose

Goodnight.